Sorry for the lack of posting. I would guess that right now the phrase "Silence is golden" might be best applied to this little spot on the WWW and how it relates to my current head space. Though I'm trying to keep an open-mind and be positive about my ulcerative colitis, I have to admit, I'm struggling. I so wanted to write an angry post or a desperate post, but luckily my inner-editor took over and I simply decided not to write.
Dudes, I'll be honest here: this thing is tough. Really tough. I'm working my way through it. But geez, it is hard. I don't want to induce a pity party here, but really some days I just feel damn sorry for myself. And I know I don't really have a right to feel this way. There are people out there much worse off than I am. But still, sometimes it does seem easiest to simply roll up in a ball for a little bit.
But, I'm not doing this. I'm fighting that urge and forcing myself to get out there and keep on going. Monday was tough. Really tough. I did not feel like riding. I tried to come up with some logical reasons why it would be in my best interest to not ride. Surprise surprise, I couldn't come up with any. So off I went. I ended up having a good ride and the time on the bike helped take my mind off of things. Yesterday was rough. I did not feel well on Tuesday. But today, Wednesday seems to be a bit better.
I do think the medicines are starting to kick in. I'm definitely noticing a change in how I feel today compared with a week and two weeks ago. The one frustrating aspect to this is food. The list of things that I can't eat while in a flare is getting longer everyday. It really does seem like a giant science experiment on my body. There is no definitive list of "safe" foods - only recommendations. So far basically all of my favorite foods are out. Smoothies with well blended raspberries and bananas are in. Almond milk (sounds odd doesn't it) is in. Puffed brown rice cereal is in. White rice is in. Yep, pretty darn bland. Oh well, short term pain for long term gain...
One thing I have noticed is a complete lack of interest in food. This is shocking for me. I'm usually trying not to eat and constantly feeling hungry. Not right now. Nope, in fact I've almost forgotten to eat lunch. I guess this is my body's way of dealing with this. I've read about people with IBD having to deal with food phobias and actually becoming afraid of eating. Amazing what the brain will do to try to keep one safe, but in reality, it is actually probably making things worse.
I find this whole food thing is compounded by the fact that I'm an elite bike racer who is training for a big season of cyclo-cross racing. All the more reason to get this thing under control. But at the same time, this also leads me down the path of despair. Tough balancing this teeter totter.
One lesson I have learned is this: don't read too much on the WWW. I've found a number of blogs written by other people dealing with ulcerative colitis. Too depressing for me. I don't want to read about any more people in their thirties who have had to get their colon's removed. I know this is a reality for 40 per cent of ulcerative colitis sufferers, but I'm putting myself firmly in the 60 per cent camp. I did pick up a decent book about IBD.
One of the hardest emotions I've had to battle is anger. I find I can get angry at people I don't even know. This happens when I see them doing unhealthy things like smoking, eating crappy food and not exercising. I see these people and wonder if they realize what they are doing to their bodies. Here I am a person who eats a super healthy diet, exercises, doesn't drink or smoke and takes care of myself, and I get sick. Where is the justice in this? I know, there is no big chart in the sky determining who gets what and who doesn't based on what they've done or not done. But still, it is darn frustrating.
Wow, I'm really unloading here. Sorry about this. But I'm a writer and sometimes I just need to get it out.
The other thing that makes me angry about this is how it is overshadowing all the good and positive things going in my life right now. Marc is starting a new job on Monday - this is huge; a massive step forward for him and I'm super excited for him. My mom is retiring from her nursing career on Friday. My brother and sister-in-law are doing awesome and looking forward to their wee one in December. Marc is racing in the Quebec-Montreal road race on Sunday - this is a highlight of his racing season. So many good things happening, but I seem to forget about them.
Okay, I think I should best finish this off now. Sorry to be so negative here and to go off on a rant. This is a temporary head space I'm in (I promise). Soon enough I'll be writing about my favorite new book discoveries, interesting restaurants, and bike riding happenings.